This pit.

Been going through a lot of mixed feelings lately. There’s this huge unrest. And right now I feel a pit in my stomach. It’s not that bad either. It’s just dark clouds hovering over, which will go away in sometime. I have to muster up all my strength and blow it far away.

I am an independent person, or at least I try to be. One thing that I hold dear is my freedom. I have to live my life my way, the way I am, not caring a thing about what somebody might think. I don’t want to fit in. I honestly don’t. I believe that a person has to be truly alone to discover themselves. Otherwise it is easy to get influenced. Then you start losing yourself gradually. And deep down you start regretting if you had truly discovered yourself. This is what happens when you try to fit in, at least that’s what I feel happens. There is so much pressure to conform to the societal standards.

I have been home for almost a year now. Its been a long time I lived at home so things were pretty hard in the beginning. I have been living alone all this while now, so it was hard to find the right momentum initially. And my parents are as usual Indian parents, can’t talk freely about your feelings with them. I am not complaining about them. I love them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without their love and support. Its just, how much I try to explain some things they don’t quite understand. It’s the generation gap. They grew up in a different world than me, their priorities and values are different than mine. Well, there are disagreements in every household. And it doesn’t help when I am being stubborn about my opinions. But they have come to accept me the way I am now. When I was growing up, they used to try, to make me blend in. I would be forced to go to gatherings I didn’t want to. I was never fond of these gatherings. I still do. I could never relate to what was happening. People would be just gossiping about one another. Though, it is still the same now. There is so much negativity around. Such a bourgeois culture. Can’t people live without showing off? It makes me angry a lot of times. Body shaming, Gender inequality. Racism. I sometimes feel like shouting, Can’t you not gossip? Why do you take so much interest in someone else’s life? Does it really matter if a person is ugly? What is ugly anyway? It’s just your perception. I wish people would be more empathic.

Well. I need to breathe. Breathe. Long breathes. Calm. Think happy, soothing thoughts. Mountains. Beach. Ocean.

Couple of drinks with fried chicken and one of my TV shows does the trick always. I get transported to this land where I don’t have to think. But right now, I have to manage with just the TV show.


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